Snow White Coal Black?
by skepsis66
Summary: Once upon a time, as all fairytales, corrupted or not, should begin there was a girl called Snow White... Like all names, 'Snow White' was completely the opposite of what she was really truly like and should be completely disregarded... Absolute CRACK


**A/N: **Completely wacky thing I wrote a loooong while back when I was feeling just slightly insane - just a tad.

**Author:** skepsis66

**FRACTURED FAIRY TALE – SNOW WHITE…COAL BLACK?**

Once upon a time, there was a girl called Snow White (who I'm sure you all know). Like all names, 'Snow White' was completely the opposite of what she was really truly like and should be disregarded. She was obviously, as her name didn't suggest, as black as coal (she was Afrikans, you know), festering with evil and a manipulative little bint.

Therefore, after a series of events including paperwork, copyright laws and hordes of outraged righteous citizens hurling abuse at the author for exterminating such a lovely name, Snow White was officially a goner and the new and not-very-much-improved Coal Black stood in her place.

Well, one bright and sunny day (as all fairytales, corrupted or not, should start) Coal Black was sweating her little ass off working outside in the blazing sun while her fairy godmother – also her surrogate stepmother – lounged on the golden ivory inlaid throne (poor elephants) and smoked weed. As Coal Black was still young, the evil parts of her had not quite become affiliated with one another so she was not yet completely evil. The scheming parts of her brain were still non-existent, as was the intelligent side of her.

But when her fairy godmother, La Phil of Bethdom, choked on her ever-present 'weed-in-the-pot' and flipped over, writhing on the only just-polished marble banquet room floor and started having spasmodic spasm attacks in her legs, Coal Black's inner evilness decided to sign a peace treaty (after a little nudging from the gifted author, of course) in the face of a great opportunity to take over Bethdom.

As the new Queen of Bethdom, Coal decided that a few advisors were needed. So the search for the evilest advisor of them all was conducted across the land and the population began to tremble in their holy boots (pun intended). The seven elderly dwarves were beheaded and a new advisor was found.

She swept menacingly into the palace and an awful chill followed her footsteps. Whispers of legends and myths floated again in the nations where her billowing black cape had floated (good clothing choice is vital: got to keep up appearances). Slitted red eyes glared at the occupants within the palace wall and the word spread: Cheryl the Sly was back and was even eviler than before.

Thus the reign of terror began. Watermelons were forever cursed and thousands of citizens died, shrieking and frothing at the mouth, before the hazard was identified and rectified. The damage was irreversible and Queen Coal Black sat laughing on her golden throne. Fire was banished, babies born more than three kilograms were culled and dwarves were driven out of the land.

Respects of two thousand cocks ('co' from Coal & 'ck' from Black: we all applaud the author for her creativeness) were also to be paid to the Queen of Bethdom every single week by every family across the kingdom or severe consequences will befall the miserly family. All the while, Cheryl the Sly was lurking in the bruised shadows, reinforcing the cruel reign of Black and promising things far worse than death to those who defied her.

But one day, the sun finally pierced through the putrid clouds of sulphur – when in rode Prince Holly of Lilypad on a mottled green waterhorse. And it was love at first sight. They ran to one another; closing the distance between them quickly – and then especially quickly when Prince Holly was blown head over ass into Queen Black's arms after a particularly powerful sneeze of his waterhorse who just happened to suffer from hayfever.

She looked into his vomit-coloured eyes and knew, right then and there, she had seen eternity. Nothing could keep her from him (although the author is very tempted to engineer a sufficient distraction specifically reserved for moments like these – possibly the surgical removal of inappropriately about-to-be-in-contact facial features) and their lips locked in a teeth-shattering nose-bashing kiss.

It was a miracle; Coal Black managed to redeem herself slowly and repressed the evil within her soul for her love of her Prince. Their wedding was planned as a grand occasion deep in Holly's seaweed realm, and then abruptly rescheduled to take place above the waves after a near-death incident where it was discovered, as her name suggested, Queen Coal Black sunk like a bag of coal (the author takes all credit for revolutionizing the art of naming).

Cheryl the Sly slithered evilly away from the dark-turning-light Bethdom, and the presence of evil was finally no more…for the moment (MUAHAHAHAHAHA! …smirking evilly)

Coal Black was now as happy as can be and the civilians rejoiced once again in their pious socks. Bethdom and Lilypad would now be united under one rule and live in hardwon peace. But trouble was to come…

The day before the wedding, Queen Black was exorcising the last of her inner demons with her Personalized Demon Exorsizzler: Limited Edition 7.9® when she heard some suspicious sighing and sobbing in the stables. Unable to overcome her curiosity and blatantly non-existent morals regarding respecting others' privacy, she crept down to the stables.

Scandalously half-clad in her revealing silk nightgown – which could land her on the front page of the papers were she to be caught – Coal pressed her ear against the stable door; only to have a red-backed spider crawl into her ear unnoticed and infecting her ear when it was pierced with a rusty nail (and thus began the tradition of ear-piercing).

What she saw (through the peephole that had suddenly appeared due to the creative license of the author) and heard astounded her, and she stumbled unsteadily away fro the door. Loud loving neighing of the mottled waterhorse Dandy and sobbing confessions of desire from her soon-to-be ex-fiance Prince Holly echoed in her cavernous and rather empty head (why else would it echo?).

She felt her heart break with a creeeeaak not unlike termite-ridden floorboards, and the tiny red-backed spider in her ear, which happened to be Cheryl the Sly's chosen body of inhabitance, knew that it was time. All the inner demons of Coal Black came howling back from the inner vortex where they had been banished. Fuelled on by Cheryl's evil whisperings, evil once again returned and began to consume the Queen.

Coal Black whirled into the stables – black hair crackling with evil energy, nails extending into scarlet-tipped claws and crimson eyes glinting fearfully with suppressed blood-lust. Suddenly, due to a random plot device, Black was no longer half-clad (phew!) but was enveloped in a cloak of shadows as dark and menacing as night.

Prince Holly stepped valiantly in front of Dandy brandishing his custom made seaweed sword and yelled "Flee Dandy! Be gone! – be gone with the wind!" And like all typical heroines, Dandy nickers bravely and stands by her love's side – and gets killed because of Holly's terrible sword-fighting skills (sword-waving skills, whatever you like to call it).

Alone and heart-broken, Prince Holly cowered in the corner as Coal Black advanced on him. Her Manic High-pitched Everlasting Evil Laughter© (copyright the author) was reverberating within the stables before it suddenly stopped (because the author decided that insufficient royalties were being paid).

Due to another random plot device, Coal Black withdrew a gleaming obsidian sword from her cloak with a ferocious roar and plunged it straight into Prince Holly's chest before devouring his heart raw (yum!). She then enslaved his tortuous soul for her everlasting entertainment, and upon remembering her stepmother La Phil of Bethdom, she rushed to the deep dank dungeons and ate her heart for good measure – after all, two was her lucky number.

So Bethdom and Lilypad fell under eternal doom with La Phil and Prince Holly's souls enslaved forever. Rumours of better times were ruthlessly suppressed and everything reverted back to the way things were during the first period of Coal Black's rule. Cheryl the Sly made her permanent residence within Queen Black's Inner Ear and everyone lived under evil forever after.

**THE END**

Review, Review, Review! Like a maniac! nods head voraciously


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